I’ve just watched ‘to the bone’. It’s a movie about eating disorders, and I really liked it. It was a realistic depiction of what it’s like to struggle with anorexia, and although some parts were hard to watch, it was not harder than what it must be like for those who live with the disorder everyday. The movie shows that sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb up again, and I think that rings true for many who seek help with their issues. ‘Ellie’ could not control her condition and came close to death. In other words, the movie was extreme. Many are able to change before they get that deep into water, but there are many ways to die. When we don’t live the life we long for, that’s death too. It’s losing minutes, days, years of our lives.
When anxiety keeps you in the house, when you stop trying, when you withdraw from the world, you starve your soul. Many of my patients live with this every day. They don’t feed themselves with love and compassion. They even blame themselves for not doing what they want, not seeing how hard it is.
Sometimes I think anxiety underlies most of the problems one can have. It drowns courage, it suffocated us. It deprives us of joy, and it covers up our real selves. It’s the opposite of moving towards something, it stifles us. But fear is not dangerous. It can’t really harm us if we remember that it will pass. We must remember how great it is to conquer fear. When you’ve hit rock bottom and climb up again, the view is even more spectacular.
So are you ready to look into your mirror? Look fear in the eye, truly face it? You are stronger than you think, and when you look beyond fear, there is beauty and life.
Sometimes you meet people in the most unexpected ways, and I’ve found that the internet makes it even more likely to happen. I don’t know why, but opening up to others can at times be easier than talking to your friends. Don’t misunderstand, I have so many good friends, but with Marie I can completely be myself and say whatever I think.
This post, Marie, is for you.
When I first stumbled upon your blog, I immediately felt that I had to read on. I read a truly honest post, and was so impressed. I often password-protect my posts, but you left your story there, ready for everyone to see. Opening up like that takes courage, and I felt the need to know more about you. We started chatting, and my gut feeling was not wrong. Your thoughts resonated with mine. I found somebody who got me, who believed in the magic of the universe, who follows her heart no matter what the circumstances is. My head got cleared, like a cloud vanishing from the sun. It you can follow your dream, so can I. And what made me even happier was the thought of you sharing so much of your thoughts and feelings with others, maybe touching others like you touched me.
I also like your writing. It is so honest and brilliant. There is no doubt that you see through things, lift the veil from confusion and find your way. You wrote a post about religion, and wondered if Buddhism could contribute to your life. You’re a searcher. On a quest, and there is nothing more inspiring than people who try to find their own way. For many it is a struggle to navigate in endless choices and tasks. There is always something to worry about. But you find your way. Even if life has been hard sometimes. You get up there and fight.
I want to share your blog. I want others to read your thoughts and be inspired. You have become a true friend, in such a short time. And even if we never meet, I will never forget you.
You find her blog at http://makeupmarie.com
I have been in my new job as a clinical psychologist for one month now, so it’s time for a update. I still can’t believe how fast the time has gone, it feels like the day is over before it even began. This is good, since it means that I am engaged. There is seldom a dull moment, and at the end of the day I look back and realize I have learnt something new. Already I have touching moments that I will carry with me until I take my last breath.
I have met many interesting people with a plethora of problems. Some with depressions, one with panic attacks, several with traumatized childhoods and also people with anger issues, AD/HD and personality disorders. Since I still see new patients, I haven’t had many conversations with anyone yet, and for many we are still getting to know each other. Finding the correct diagnosis is important, and we can’t move on before we have pinpointed what needs to be looked at more closely.
But even if we haven’t started on direct treatment yet, this first phase is hopefully already a step in the right direction. Although it’s necessary to go through some surveys and standardized questions, there is room for therapeutic work.
The first phase of therapy is often about stabilizion and education. By getting to know oneself better, the path for change is created. For traumatized victims, learning about how trauma effects the body, is crucial. For people with panic attacks, knowing the symptoms and normalizing them, helps a lot. If you understand what happens, it’s easier to start coping with it. In some ways, fear of symptoms is what many struggle with the most. When we face or monsters in a controlled way, we can finally watch them from afar and act like we want to.
Elizabeth Gilbert described in her book ‘big magic’ how she looked at fear: Fear is always with her, telling her that she should be careful. Prodding her to not take chances, because she might get hurt. She has learnt to thank her fear, because it wants to protect her. At the same time she also tells her fear that it can be there and monitor her surroundings if it wants to, but she must take command. She soothes herself by accepting that she will feel terrified and unsafe, at the same time as she assures herself that she can cope with what comes.
Many of my patients are still afraid. And that’s okay. We all are, often. I will not promise a rose-garden, but I want to explore the area they walk in no matter what is there.
My first week in my new job has gone really well. Already it feels like the day is over before it began, even if I’ve just had three patients. But there has been meetings, conversations with lovely new colleagues and learning new routines. It looks like the patients I will have a myriad of issues that will challenge me in a good way. Since my area of expertise is trauma, my training in treatment models not pertaining to trauma-treatment is somewhat limited. But it still is exciting and probably even necessary. Having just traumatized clients can be taxing, since they require your full attention. Containing their feelings can also affect therapists in the long haul, so treating clients with different problems is advisable. The three clients I’ve met so far, have myriad problems. The first is there for a diagnostic evaluation and treatment of anger issues, the second most likely has Asperger in addition to personality disorders and the third depression and a eating disorder.
I knew it would be good to finally do clinical work again, but it was even better than anticipated. In addition the clinic I am working in is excellent. The employees are highly skilled, and to my utter amazement they are especially interested in trauma. I don’t think it could get better, but my gut feeling is that it will be.
I’m back where I belong and it feels like finally coming home.