When changes are coming, my need to write blossoms like a seed in the ground. It has been there, all the time, but waiting. I don`t always like this waiting period. The days that just go on and on, with nothing new in them. I have never been good with routine, even when I need to feel safe.
Today I was on my second job interview. This interview was for a job I wanted even more than the last one, since it is in a part of Norway I have better vibes towards. I think the interview went well, since I actually got to say the things I wanted to tell them about. My burning desire to do something for people, my interest in holding lectures (that would be a huge part of the job) and my belief in preventive work.
When I drove home, I felt something growing inside me. The little seed, that has been sleeping the last weeks, got water and started to flourish. Right now I am working at a psychiatric ward, and there has been far too little to do there this last week. Mostly because we are many therapists, but also because doctors focus more on medication than just “talking”. Some days are really good, but it is not the same as where I worked before, at a unit where I had 5-6 patients a day, finding every conversation invigorating. Now there is meeting after meeting, and too few therapeutic processes. That`s why it felt so good to feel that soon I might do something I love again. A new chance to live and breathe psychology, and a new place to do it. The city I work in now, is filled with bad memories from my previous relationship, and I need a fresh start. I need to be me again.
When I came home, I met my little brother. We decided we`d watch some episodes of “how I met your mother”, and made carrots with dip and pop-corn. He sat close to me, and we talked in between the episodes. He started to talk about school. that there was so much to do. A lot of homework, and that meant he had less time to do other things. He is really talented in many aspects, like drawing. Two years ago (he is now 16) I saw his first portrait. He had drawn a girl in his class, and I was shocked to discover that I could actually see the person he had been drawing. I asked him: “How did you do that?” And he answered: “I don`t know. I just did!”. I looked into his eyes, and told him to not use all his time on homework to get good grades, that what I regretted most from my years at school, was the unnecessary hours where I read and repeated something I forgot a week after the exam. That I rather should have used more time on my interests, or being social. Because life is not a rehearsal for something that might be better, it is all about the things you love doing here and now. So, now I feel like I found back to that piece of me that follows my heart, being the flower I prefer, not just someone else`s wallflower.
So, I will shake off my old self and start walking on a new path in my life. And I really look forward to it.
Have you ever been close to death? If you have, you might have experienced how time can stretch out, giving you time to think and react in an almost impossible way. People who’re in car accidents describe how their whole life are replayed in their mind, in mere seconds. A million of thoughts soar through them at the same time, and milliseconds feels like minutes.
One day many years ago I feel into a grave. Not an ordinary grave, but a hole in the ground used to fix buses. At that time, I was in a relationship with an employee at a bus company, were he repaired buses. On that particular day, I joined him at work, and wanted to explore his work place. He was immersed in repair-work, so I started to get bored from waiting for him to finish. I said I would take a round inside the building, and would be back soon. He nodded his agreement absentmindedly, and I started to walk around. My eyes took in the fascinating place around me, but I didn’t look beneath me. It was completely dark, just some lights from the windows. My steps echoed in the hall that was empty except for busses. I was so intrigued by it all, that I just kept on going, taking it all in. I remember clearly my last step before I fell. Suddenly there was nothing under my feet, and I started plunging to what I thought would be my death. Time stopped and began at the same time. I was flooded with memories and thoughts that were surprisingly clear. I saw my brother, and knew he would miss me when I was gone. At the same time I thought: ‘What happened?’ and ‘How far down is it, will I die?’. I had no time to be scared, I was more shocked than terrified. It felt like I fell forever, so I thought I was falling really far and that I would hit the ground and break my neck. After what was merely a second, I hit the bottom with a thud.
I was so surprised that I still lived. Relief flooded through me at the same time as I wondered if this was heaven. But heaven was awfully dark, so I hoped I might still be on earth and not in the ever-after. Is this how Alice felt when she fell into the rabbit hole?
My boyfriend had heard the thump, and while I was still in the land of confusion, he came running towards the grave. I don’t quite remember how he got me out of it, but I remember the relief. I was really still here, and I was unharmed. Somehow my body had reacted automatically, and protected me from the impact. My leg hurt a little, but I was actually smiling and felt no pain. Adrenaline was still pumping, making me feel more alive than I’ve ever been.
It is strange how much can happen in just one second.