I was swimming in my own sweat and anxiety when I woke up this morning. It was a nightmare, and it probably doesn`t surprise anyone that the main character was my charming ex-boyfriend. I was doing everything wrong, the more he was silent, the more my own defective sound came through, manifesting itself in anger that after a while unleashed itself. The object wasn`t him, because I cannot make myself hit him in the dream, but my sister who I love dearly. In the dream she keeps coming to me, she wants to ask me something, but I get so annoyed because it steals time from my aim: Asking him the questions I need to know (are you together with somebody?). This frustrates me so much, especially since she doesn`t go away when I ask the first two times, that I begin to hit her. She goes away for a while, but always comes back. I am getting more and more angry, and can`t stop hitting her. My charming ex is not so charming anymore. He points at me, scolds and says: Now you see how bad you are! I feel there is nothing I can do to defend myself. He is right. I can`t control myself.
The dream doesn`t dissolve when my cold feet touch the bathroom floor. I have goosebumps, and every movement is covered by sticky sirup. I find my clothes slowly, pulling on pink and brown clothes, with a warm jacket on top of it. When I am washing my face, also this painfully slow, I notice that my eye is itchy. When I start rubbing, my finger brings with it an interesting consequence from the nights tossing and turning: A half lens. I close one eye, to see if my vision is unclear, but that`s not it. This means the lens is still whole. The part I have on my finger, must be the one who went behind my eye three weeks ago. The dirty left-overs came back to me.
I am not sure that it will be safe, so I must know this before I start telling you about it.
I find it hard to trust people when it comes to my dark sides, so telling you about my mistakes behind my mask of success and perfection will cost me a lot.
I will end this with words from another blog that I really love. It`s about sacred places, and this part is about the most important sacred place we ever will be invited into:
Lastly, a place of critical importance for everyone is more figurative. When someone shares a piece of their heart with us, they are allowing us to see something that is very sacred and special for them. Oftentimes, we can feel vulnerable when bearing our soul to someone or sharing something deeply personal. For those listening, it is not a time to judge, belittle or ignore. When someone allows you to walk in their heart, you stand on sacred ground. Cherish the opportunity to learn more about them and listen with your head and heart. Because when we can see the side of someone that we’ve never seen, we will have made a new friend