I always lived by the attitude of not regretting anything, rather do than don`t, throw myself at risks and scare them off, thinking hurts can be handled anyway. Its funny, really, since I am cautios when it comes to everything else, not much of a skiier or paraglider.
I believed those lines, and I still do, even if I´ve fallen into the trap of regret right now. Its thoughts circling around love that I was so afraid of loosing that the cold fear made just that happen, it`s memories of glass tossed back into my thirsty throat, believing that this time would be different that others, that I could stop in time, that I just wanted to feel a little bit better, and enden up feeling worse than ever before. Its looking into the eyes of the man you choose, telling the truth and feeling the ground sliding underneath you. Its the desperation of piecing together broken parts, not seeing that nothing can ever fix it. Its the words leaving his mouth with the final goodbye, the aloneness in bed and the hollow feeling inside of me.
I regret my behavoir the last year, and I dont have to tell you that I would have loved to turn time back, just to experience the good parts again, smell his perfume, let my hand rest on him, feeling the closeness and grabbing his hand, never letting go.
Regret is and will always be, regret. Nothing can be done to undo, the movie groundhound day is just fiction; Its impossible to try everything until you get it right, in life you often only have one, two or if lucky, three chances, but after that there is no going back. For those who haven`t mastered the skill necessary for keeping the calm and doing the right thing, this may torn and twist their insides until it feels like there is nothing left; No hope, no reason for continuing.
This could be a sad story, and in some ways it is. But actually, its about fighting even when you dont see the point, even when its impossible to imagen that the bad feelings will be replaced by genuine happiness.
I´ve been alone for three months now, and I feel good. There is no tiny feet running over the floor, resting on my lap yet, there is no good-morning from the love of my life, but there`s life, and the unknown paths in front of me. There are promises of laughts, connections, travelling and knowledge. I will meet many great people, learn more about myself and feel both sorrow and happiness. Thats enough right now, I still have a lot of years in front of me, and I hope there is something good waiting.